“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
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I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
The Struggle
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Here to help
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits