Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

and now we wait

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!