“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
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Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Support your local cemetery
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back