Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

i love meeting boys on tinder

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

💀 😭

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.