Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

True statement👍😏😁

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.