Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.