Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

the Monday after daylight savings

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?