Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

79.

A short story of betrayal:

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened