Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL