sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Yoga Matt
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree