Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Think I pulled my liver

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs