Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.