Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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(Musicians.)
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.