Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Friday

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

When you’ve simply given up.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.