Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.