@thenatewolf

Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?

Me: that obvious?

Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”

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@SortaBad

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

@givesnoerection

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@TheOnion

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

@GaryJanetti

I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.

@randypaint

publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world

jk rowling: hermione

publisher: ok

jk rowling: albus dumbledore

publisher: ok i get it i was wrong

jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao

publisher: what

@Darlainky

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

@Reverend_Scott

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

@Nicoleroxxu

One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.

@BackrowSeats

I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.