ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?
Me: that obvious?
Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”
You Might Also Like
I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.
publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world
jk rowling: hermione
jk rowling: albus dumbledore
publisher: ok i get it i was wrong
jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
My circle of trust is a meatball