*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
You Might Also Like
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
That’s amazing.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
had to make it
