*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.