Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.