Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Me irl
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.