Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

Cake!!

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

lmao

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.