Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

For anyone who needs this today

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.