Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

but that was my emotional support daylight

Inside you there are two wolves

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.