salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
man: wait
time: no
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.