Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

🖕🏻👽

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

“A little help here, Danny?”

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.