Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
If I ignore life will it go away?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.