Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
They did not miss in the small print
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?