Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

the last thing a carrot sees

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza