Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.