Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

his wife is probably gonna see that

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

🐴

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better