Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Reminder:

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees