Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.