Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

Ha

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.