If you’re happy and you know it…
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
This is not me but this is me
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????