Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

A decision was made here.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”