SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.