Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then