Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] ＩＦ  ＹＯＵ  ＬＩＫＥ  ＩＴ  ＴＨＥＮ  ＹＯＵ  ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ  ＰＵＴ  Ａ  ＲＩＮＧ  ＯＮ  ＩＴ

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.