Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
me when somebody idk start touching me
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.