Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

Somedays I just love AI so much

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

early stone age tool

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.