Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”