Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.