Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

That took me a moment.

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.