Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

Oh. My. God.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat