Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
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I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Monday?
No. Next question.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent