Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”