Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no