Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street