Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
you could not pay me to delete this app
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up