Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?