Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I need this for my side hustle.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me too 😆
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows