Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic