Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

Just had my nails done!

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.