Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
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Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.