Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.