*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
You Might Also Like
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch