*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I hate my earbuds.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
we’re gonna need another temp
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*