*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
The three genders
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Tough love is true love
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”