Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.