Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
(by @ZachWeiner )
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.