Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
you will never know the true number of layers
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me irl
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.