Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I saw nothing
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
my retirement plan is braless
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*