Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus