Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
my sentiments exactly
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*