Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest