Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
RT if you could go either way.
