same bro
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.