same but as an audience member
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[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
❤️🦆
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice