same energy
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Saturday
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money