same energy
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Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it