same energy
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Just added something to my bucket list.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…