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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Perfect
