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@Henry_3k

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

@FlyoverJoel

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

@Robinbuble

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

@NOTVIKING

chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you

me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis

@Sickayduh

Joey: WHOA
Blossom: So you like that?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever

@HushJared

I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@_Shizzle

My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.

@jonnysun

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry