My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you
me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis
Blossom: So you like that?
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever
I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Mother in law found me… On the twitter
This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.
I’m so sorry